Why Is There This Expectation To Get Somewhere?

Why can’t I just be here. Now.

Why do I feel I must perform.

Excel now.

Make the most money now.

Why do I feel those values are all I see.

Why?

When I want peace in this life. I will never get it if I am constantly looking forward to what can I accomplish next. I could do this or this…

I miss the moments I am living in Now when I project into the future.

Why is there this Expectation to get somewhere

Why can’t I just be here. Now.

Why do I feel I must perform.

Excel now.

Make the most money now.

Why do I feel those values are all I see.

Why?

When I want peace in this life. I will never get it if I am constantly looking forward to what can I accomplish next. I could do this or this…

I miss the moments I am living in Now when I project into the future.

The soul would say…

Yes, I am your pain but I am also your peace and your power

Know always 

that I am aware and able. –

I recently was told to reflect on the things that cause me the most pain or sadness because those are the things I love the most. This could be a list. It likely will be.

Things that cause me pain/sadness:

Thoughts about my grandfather, the times I spend with him I get a deep sense into the world and into myself. I’m told he is my spirit and my advocate, which all makes sense now. About 10 years ago when he said “none of this matters” I never understood that until now. He doesn’t need to make his presence known by being loud and having an opinion on everything. He has a spirit of joy and non-judgement that I connect with.

Feeling empty, I know now that connection is a huge part of my value system.

Someone I put too much emotional reliance on, judged, and am no longer speaking with until I get my self love and self-energy.

Self Love, just the thought of it strikes a knife in my heart. It doesn’t feel deserving. Gradually, it will become natural. I believe that.

The soul/spirit is what you feed it. It is that space, the source of all emotions. This is a growing post where I hope to learn something about my identity.

 

I Matter in this world?

Telling myself this.. until it sticks
I matter not because of the job I have or the things I have but because
of what’s in my heart and up here in my brain and my actions.
I am human so I matter. All of human life matters
so why would I have the belief that I matter only if I have a job?
Where would that core belief come from?
You matter because of your actions, your heart, and your mind not because of things you have.
I have a distorted core belief that love and worthiness is conditional upon doing a great job, having a strong career, etc.
Distorted.
Core.
Belief.

where I’m at now.. emotionally not physically

My headspace is full of thoughts rampaging by. Some at lightning speed like oh the laundry. and others that settle in my brain for a campout like

Some at lightning speed like oh the laundry.

And others that settle in my brain for a campout like where is my life going from here.

Am I enough just as I am right here, right now?

If I am, what do I want this precious life to look, feel, taste like?

What experiences do I want to have?

I can answer that last one to a degree. I want to create. I want to express myself just as I am. I want to grow greens. I want my eyes opened to the colors of the wild.

I am creating. I am expressing myself just as I am. I am growing greens. My eyes dazzle at wildflowers, at sunsets, at clouds, under trees, and over water.